


Stark

by CrumblingAsh



Series: Clearly [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Self-Hatred, Tony Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-29
Updated: 2015-08-29
Packaged: 2018-04-17 20:25:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4680200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrumblingAsh/pseuds/CrumblingAsh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>The people don't need you.</i><br/>They don't even <b>want</b> you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stark

* * *

 

 

He turns the music up loud, he drinks until he’s buzzed, he never stops working –

 

because the second it starts to get too quiet, when there are no distractions or numbing agents or diversions of any kind, is the second the truths of Tony’s life as he believes them start to seep into his mind.

 

_You’ll never be good enough._

They hurt worse than having his chest cut open in back of a sand-infested cave, as inescapable as the slicing digs of Yinsen’s efficient knife.

 

_You have no accountability._

 

_Your fortune is built from the blood of innocent people._

 

_You’ve killed so many._

_So many have died because of you._

They’re accompanied by images – the smiling faces of the soldiers in the Humvee, Yinsen, the drivers at Monaco, all the faces on the Missing Person fliers littering streets after New York, every lost volunteer of Extremis who had lost their lives in hopes that the formula he’d corrected would fix their broken bodies, their lives. He sees villages torn by bombs and shrapnel and well-placed missiles of his design, graveyards with unmarked headstones. Some faces, he doesn’t know – the people lost before Afghanistan, SHIELD agents at the base when Loki had attacked, more agents on the Helicarrier. Yinsen’s family. The hundreds of thousands of targets Hydra had been planning to use his designs to shoot dead where they had stood, no chance to defend themselves from the genius of Tony Stark.

_You’re not a hero._

 

_You’re not even the hero type._

 

_What are you even trying to do?_

 

_You think you’re good enough to be near these people?_

There are five other people who live in Tony’s Tower now, some part time, some all the time. Strong, radiant, _good_ people who never earn a profit from their actions, who seem to wake up every morning with “Save” as their primary focus, “Live” always being their second. His mind tells him constantly that they’re lacking, that the fact that they don’t have money or homes or lives outside of the mission makes them less than him. But they’re always smiling, never failing to step up, and he’s … in _awe_ of them, this team of Avengers Nick Fury has thrown him in to.

 

So much that sometimes he feels sick just being near them.

 

_You think you can save anyone?_

 

_You couldn’t save Coulson. You couldn’t save Happy._

_You couldn’t save **Pepper.**_

 

The dreams are never just about New York, but it’s only the New York dreams that allow him the escape of waking up, stabbing him with fear and burning suffocation. Dreams where he misses Pepper, where he doesn’t trust Happy, dreams where people bleed out with his name on their lips, dreams where he’s surrounded by corpses and capital, dreams that Bruce has told him more than once are _nightmares –_ he doesn’t get to leave those until they’ve played out, when he wakes up cold and empty from pure truthful memory instead of imagination’s hysteria.

 

_You’re worthless._

 

_You only care about what’s best for you._

 

_You’re no better than your old man._

 

_You’re **worse** than your old man._

 

_He wasn’t a great father, but at least he did some good for the world._

 

The internet as a whole loves the Avengers in a way that the internet isn’t really supposed to love anyone. Every user seems to have a favorite member – Thor and Cap tie for favorite, and Romanoff’s a hit with every female, young or old. Hulk is a favorite with the kids, but Bruce has gotten his fair share of loyalists as well, and Barton’s the face of at least twenty different memes. They all have separate Twitter followings, tumblr blogs dedicated to loving them as people, happy to talk about their daily lives and wishing them happiness and success.

 

The armor of Iron Man is a hit with the kids, and Tony Stark is as hated as ever, and he lives the days he knows.

 

_And what have you done, Anthony?_

_Built a few pieces of medical equipment to off-set your bombs? Dabbled in Green Energy, made a few robots?_

 

_You think you’re better than everyone?_

 

_You think you don’t deserve to face the consequences of what you’ve done just because you’re sorry?_

 

_You’re going to destroy this world while you pretend to save it._

Sometimes, drinking just until the buzz comes doesn’t work. Sometimes it gets **too loud** when it gets too quiet, loud enough that his eardrums throb in threatening promise, loud enough that his eyes will begin to water, loud enough that the physical sensation of what is no longer there will approach his mind with phantom taunts. Sometimes, he drinks until the bottle is empty and the next one is open, drinks until he’s not sure why he had even wanted to be standing, drinks until the pulsating scream of the music inundating the workshop matches the pulsating rhythm of his stupid heart and he can finally lose enough of the static to go back to trying to make something that will save the world from all of the mistakes he’s made.

 

_The people don’t need you._

 

_They don’t even **want** you._

_Tony Stark is nothing._

 

_You are nothing._

 

 


End file.
